Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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