ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
