Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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