I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Randomize
