Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
