....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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