Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
