Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
