it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
