I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
