I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
