whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
either way he was missing a nipple.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize