Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
