what day is it and did you see me today?
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
