Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize