I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
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