This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
