just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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