We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
