i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
