I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Randomize