WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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