It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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