I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
