I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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