if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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