just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Randomize
