He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
