I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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