Cold hands, warm shart.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Randomize
