when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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