Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
