i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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