take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
