best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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