I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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