I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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