I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize