i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
