I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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