I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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