I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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