ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Is it penis luge time yet?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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