Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
He has the fingertips of a God
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
