Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
