Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Randomize
