I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
