I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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