So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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