I wish my penis had an off switch
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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