She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Help me help you realize you are a moron
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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