My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
