Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
