I hate your face
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
