I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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