3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
